Wednesday, October 12, 2005

The end of another relationship. More have ended than continued, and so, if this is happening, come I upon the vacancy time. Do we choose to follow the wrong pathways and in so doing make this all too inevitable?

It is not just those of love and committment. Passing acquantances, mentors, allies and even those who would be the golden fleece to me, have all been cast aside by one crime of omission or the next.

Yes, now it is a loved one. A woman whom stood by me longer than most. She went through some bad times with me and I also had then humility to out last tthe minor turbulances of a move of country and a child.

Disbeleif at my own stupidity, rage, irritation and self centredness. This feeling also when I reflect on the love, tolerance, patience and warmth I have given.

Now comes the waste, the emptyness which follows the anger and the tenacity. Routes to peace suddenly exhausted and exasperation that this is finally the end.

Only this ttime it has complications. Practicalitiees which should of course be addressed and concluded with amicable agreementts. True, enough latittude for the future unexpected or possible. Yet I am compelled to go along with it all, like signing a death cerificate. They ensure the process is not halted by emotions. In fact they rely on the numbness to close a few agreements here and there.

OnlyI will not be numb.

I have learnt two good practices, yet never practised them. Firstly close down communications and block tertiaries, so to lett them sit in the dark and neither ttake out their anger nor sate their guilt. Secondly, having established control of channels, show your emotions and anger. Make it clear that this split causes trouble in our small worlds, and that disagreeement and unpredicabilty are the only certainies ahead.

The box they want to put you in has four sides and a top and bottom. If any three walls are in place it is the end.

The side walls are agreement upon the need to end. How bad things have gone and how it is your fault. Your behaviour, peresonality and eeven soul is all wrong for us to exist as an item. This is their 'object directtive' means of avoiding guilt and protecting ego, and of course it is a doublethink and a moment of madness. Now the negattives are stacked to tthe exclusion of any positives as this haze period is entered so they can resolve in one rirghteous slash, all that has wronged them.

The top is the rejection of tears which blocks you in, but the final comes from beneath and is thte practicalities. He exhange of amterials, tthe use of cold lippeed freinds to deliver items or give access to the rooms. Places of love and warmth now like a graveyard. " here lies our laughter, 2002-2005." " Once a beatiful thing, taken from us in the spring of life"

With a child too, god knows what awaits me when the sixth denial comes.