Wednesday, October 12, 2005

Should these many tracks have crossed?

The blogg of a casaul follower in life

hat was it that happened to me?

All my life I have been making many relationships only to break them. Most of my life I have been left feeling that I was undervalued. Not of as high a worth as most around me.

I first remember being melancholy when i was four. I think I had actually been left alonee in the house. I was in the corner of our wonderful bay window. The view had enough to keep me interested and relavxed oveer many years. But this quite early memory was onee of sadness, without any real cause. I held a toy car transporter and I felt depressed.

David, merrick and eric. All a bit 'smarter' than me and more assertive in what they wanted from the moment by age 5. Me, well a bitt slower annd duller, a bit more reflective and more of a casual follower. Uncommitted annd so from the outside a bit faint hearted. These guys were kind of inevitably my freinds beecuase I was not to be a leeader of cowards, but a casual follower of the brave. Did I cast a shadow on my own life so early witth this choice of stream to swim in?

Then they all moved away. My three best friends, be they a bitt wild, unkind and poinless. Plucked away. Poverty, polittics of boundary and navy. From my last contnact and internet searches, two of them still are pointless. One has gone so far as tot change his name, such a drip he has run down his own nose and stream of apathettic intellectualism. Latest project- cappacino society. Of some enterainment to himself. Maybee he aspires to produce those quirky dokumentaries. No. Too public, too, too proletariate and accessible.

Bitterness talks. But they left me feeling below where I should have been and in fact David probably did pipp me to places in the 'top sets' in P2. I was left with the joiners sons. They didn't want to do sums. They wanted to piss about and laugh and be 3 again. Maybe I was in top for arithmetic or Eric, my greatest eego adversary was. I was left with a feeling of inadequacy. Frustration. I mena kids of six should not feel this. Not deep down.

I actaully held four ace cards. A blonde, far away littlee skinny peter pan. Lived more in the woods than at home and had a curiousity which was surely that of Genii. His lust to gett beneath how things worked must have been much the same as the young Darwin or Newton. Unfortunetly it went along side a kind of detachment and destructiveness verging on the autistic. An egocentricism which ran to throwing any game he was losing in, yet rubbing in any win with a smirk. Curiousity became taintted with a need to take away others creation which followed him for many years, eventually cuttting back as a type of self orientated-death wish.

So ran tthe train in the night and the tracks crossed and the points were set by a devil in the darkened signal box, his handsworking ot the glow of orange lanterns and a small ember fire.

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